Growing up together side by side, trouble came we ran and hide
Cleaning the floors, the sofa too, even wearing each other shoes
World walks in, spits out trash, our relationship burns to ash
Family or Foe, where do we go, Toxic Talking forevermore?
Sky-high price, ain’t cute or nice, no quick sale with a cheap price
No, no. It’s too deep, only truth from brain to mouth can defeat!
© 2021 Max W. Miller
It’s an enigma—a riddle from ancient times—emotional abuse using words. Those who wield its power don’t realize what they’re unleashing. Although, when we engage in it, we think we’re defending ourselves, our honor, our pride. At the end of the day, we’ve done nothing more than driven away from something precious in our lives.
Here’s the core of my take on Toxic Talking
It Damages our psychological stability and starts while we’re infants. As children living with our trusted parents, we’re innocent and full of confidence until someone or something teaches us otherwise.
How? Through words, deeds, or both.
Sometimes we go through life and don’t know or understand why we do what we do! Clearly, we are affected by the cycle of hearing right or wrong messaging transmitted through words.
“Hey, Max. Stop hinting and tell us what so bad about this Toxic Talking.”
“I define Toxic Talking as the confrontations we consciously or subconsciously launch against each other. These confrontations are words build over time that slowly destroys relationships.”
The bad part about what we say to each other is that the indoctrination into this cruel way of speaking started with our parents, guardian, or childhood caregiver. And as we move toward adulthood, the continued brow-beating with seemingly insignificant phases begin our descent toward having low self-esteem, which ends in mental hang-ups.
I will say this of my parents and probably most trying to raise children under strained circumstances: They lived what they were taught. Most parents are doing the best they can with the information they’ve received from their parents!
How does something like this begin…
At home, parents or guardians start calling children by names they may not see as demeaning. Nevertheless, references made about a child’s features or mannerism is not beneficial to that child—especially with siblings watching. In essence, the parents/guardians have given the siblings permission to go against each other using belittling names. Although everyone may laugh outwardly, the effects of repeating this ritual day in and day out weighs heavier on the targeted child.
To take it a bit further, if a child cries during name-calling, another name could be added, “Weak.” At school, the same child might meet another set of demeaning names by classmates or hall bullies. During adolescence, Toxic Talking abuse is heightened by other traumas.
In blended families—yours, mine, and ours, my experience is that a child can be inundated with negativity because of a disgruntled parent.
Make no mistake: A poisonous brew of words grips the mind of every person it touches. The victims move toward adulthood as ones who will take-it-on-the-chin or strike back! Even worse, a child who’ve endured Toxic Talking for years upon years may decide to Check-Out of this world through suicide!
The seriousness of this plague goes out to ‘The Boomers, Generation X, The Millennials, Generation Z and so on… We have to stop it now and in whatever generation you fall in. Case in Point: Look at the language of our Elected Leaders who we’re supposed to be looking up to. Toxic Talking is destroying our country.
“Wow, Max, you’re so dramatic.”
“Yes, I am; it’s imperative that we get this!”
In the book “Words Can Change Your Brain,” Dr. Andrew B.Newberg and Mark Robert Waldman layout 12 Conversation Strategies to Build Trust, Resolve Conflict, and Increase Intimacy
Of their book, Therese Borchard of EveryDay Health, coined the following in August 2013.
“Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can change your brain.”
The authors wrote…
“A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.”
“Yet the moment a person expresses even the slightest degree of negativity, it increases negativity in both the speaker’s and listener’s brains. Instead of getting rid of anger, we increase it, and this can, over time, cause irreparable damage, not only to relationships, but to the brain as well.”
Toxic Talking plays a critical part in balancing our mental and physical health. If we allow it to live “inside our mouths” before we know it, feelings of emotional insecurity, jealousy or rage will become our best friends.
And then there’s Dr. Daniel Amen…
I was first introduced to Dr. Amen when I made a donation to public radio. My gifts were some of Dr. Amen’s products and one of his books ‘The end of Mental Illness.’ At the time, I didn’t know that Mama would be dead in six months, nor that weeks later my nephew, would take his life.
Dr. Amen gets pretty deep—more in-depth than my brain can go at present.
He explains in detail about the brain, going into history, and some archaic and dangerous treatments for mental issues. Then he moved forward into what damages the brain (internally and externally) and how to heal. One piece of advice is to “Love Your Sleep.”
Yes, noted doctors far above my pay grade have researched and concluded your brain can actually be healed on many occasions. …”Brain Health is central to body health and success in life..”
Look at some of the words Toxic Talking can identify with. Hint: There’s even more heinous words than these!
Deadly
Harmful
Lethal
Cruel
Poisonous
Decaying
Bloodthirsty
Abusive
Damaging
Festering
Divisive
Pestilent
Crippling
Dangerous
Vindictive
Hateful
Slanderous
Defamation
Now that we know the amount of mental devastation Toxic Talking can cause, please read over the above list again. If you don’t mind, sit quietly in a room with dim lighting. Allow the light to soothe you for a few minutes. Let the meaning of Toxic Talking sink into your very soul. Think back over the years of accusing others or being accused by others with harsh rhetoric. What did it do to your self-esteem? What do you think it did to the other guy’s self-esteem.
PLAIN AND SIMPLE
Based on my experiences, I believe that repeatedly calling a human by a name that references their face or body feature to something inhuman leaves a lasting scar of insecurity. That scar is so detrimental it could escalate into profoundly changing future accomplishments.
Now that we know what we’ve been creating with Toxic Talking, it’s time to “Clean-up What We Messed up and Start Our Life Over Again” (The Canton Spirituals, 1943 recording before I was born and still telling a prevalent message).
Yeah, this group is old. Don’t hate, appreciate; I told you I’m a Boomer!
Confession Time
My hands are not clean; if I’m washing yours, I have to wash mine. I’m a creative soul; I feel and know events deeply—things that, on many occasions, no person has told me. Some call it empathic or intuitive; I call it a God-given gift. My mom was as I am.
I’ve never tried to inflict pain with my words unless I’ve been backed into a corner; at least that’s what I tell myself. But since I didn’t launch much of a counter-defense growing up, as an adult, I’m not in the habit of running from a solid word-fight, especially if I didn’t start it.
Surely, none of our family/friends/associates intended to cause harm to one another. Let’s just say that we didn’t have an understanding of what we were doing. Right?
We wouldn’t seek to deliberately and continuously hammer spikes inside each other’s heads. Weren’t we sent to each other by a higher power to lift, comfort, and make the other whole? What about the times when someone spits words to degrade, followed-up by “But, I love you.” None of us are strangers to that. On the one hand, love and, on the other hand, contempt. Is there any wonder why so many of us are dazed and confused?
See if you can find yourself in this scenario…
Name-calling – That’s Toxic Talking
In my lifetime, when it comes to name-calling, I cannot say that anyone’s community is at the top of the list in name-calling. Still, we totally need to be mindful of how derogatory words breathe life and take a negative, tangible form.
Check out these:
The above list is only for family and friends insults—the people who supposedly love and nurture you. Multiply name-calling by one-hundred percent for the people who don’t confess their undying love for you, i.e., job, public places, even church. See the following list below:
Wrapping it up …
How to Identify Toxic People…
What Each of Us Can Do to Stop Destroying One Another
Note: Old habits try to linger, wait it out, give it the finger!
Until next time, check out my links below
Eleanora was born with a feisty spoon in her mouth. And when her older sister, Evelyn, told her it was time to take their Daddy’s lunch pail to Camel’s Farm, she knew she could do it with Jack by her side. Until…
